I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
