If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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