Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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