The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
