I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
