he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
