The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
