Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
