We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
