No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
