the condom got lost in my hair
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
