We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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