There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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