she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
