whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
