found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Send help, water and tortillas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
