Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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