Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
