Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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