i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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