gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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