my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
