ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
