I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
