You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
