i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
