the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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