I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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