If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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