I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
