yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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