It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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