if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have post one night stand depression
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