I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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