Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
