Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize