I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
