____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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