Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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