You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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