i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
