If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So vagazzling was a success
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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