It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
