I am puke
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
