just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I need to calm my uterus...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
