We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
