just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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