Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
