I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
