I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
