Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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