1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
