I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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