Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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