why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
